PGA Tour To Institute Shot Clock On Experimental Basis

Less than a month after announcing a series of moves meant to speed up pace of play, the PGA Tour’s Player Advisory Council has voted in favor of experimenting with a shot clock.

The first test will come on the Korn Ferry Tour this summer. If that launch goes well, we could see shot clocks coming to the big Tour starting with some of the smaller fall events.

Similar to other sports, the shot clock will provide strict parameters for players. Although, according to a Tour release, those parameters are not as stringent as one would assume. To wit,

Those teeing off first in their respective groups will have 70 seconds to hit; in all other situations, players will have exactly one minute. Once on the green, the shot clock will be turned off out of respect for elaborate putting routines.

Failure to hit prior to the shot clock winding down will first result in a warning. The second offense will also be a warning but the official on hand is allowed to lower their voice in a slightly disapproving tone.

The third offense, a firmer yet still polite warning, will lead to the official passive aggressively blowing an air horn while the player is at the top of their backswing.

All ensuing violations will result in a one-stroke penalty with a heartfelt apology (written letter preferred) from the official who in turn has to blow the air horn back at his or her own face after taking one club length of relief away from said air horn.

Each player will have two “timeouts” they can take to add one minute toward their total time to hit, even if that minute is used to eat a banana, discuss Severance theories or watch Grant Horvat rehabilitate Phil Mickelson’s public image.

The new standard of pace could subtract several minutes of play, but there is a 60 percent chance that, for every single round, it could actually add several minutes to play and make the problem considerably worse than normal.

“I think this is a fair alteration to make,” said Patrick Cantlay. “Sometimes I need to stand in the fairway for an extra minute to wait for the right wind. It’s perfect for my sponsor Delta, which can now advertise how they complete an entire boarding process in the time it takes for me to choose a club.”

One of the issues with shot clocks in the past has come down to logistics but it appears that has been solved as timekeeping for each group will be provided by an army of on-course officials.

The Tour plans to train volunteers who will be loosely skilled in keeping track of time. The volunteers will pay $500 per tournament, receiving a free T-shirt (XXL only), a round of golf at the facility (cart path only) and unlimited frozen yogurt (pistachio-flavored only) after their Pizza Hut boxed lunch (Pizza Hut only).

The extra cash from yet another move of calculated mediocrity is going directly to Tour commissioner Jay Monahan’s $23 million salary—and to his staff that has been busy trying to schedule and then mysteriously cancel Zoom meetings with LIV Golf leaders in hopes of slowly ghosting them until everyone in the golf world forgets the last four years ever happened.

“This is a momentous day. Not only have we placated all of you by addressing the issue of slow play, but we have developed another revenue stream with our volunteer staff,” PGA Tour Jay Monahan said while brazenly putting Dr. Evil-esque air quotes around the words “addressing”, “issue” and “volunteer.”

“I am pretending to believe these changes can finally bring the Tour to reach the TV ratings of powerhouse sports programming like Holey Moley, re-runs of Indiana Fever games and a fierce weekday afternoon tilt between the Oakland Athletics and Miami Marlins.”

In a surprise move, Monahan also announced the Player Advisory Council had voted in favor of several additional improvements/slow play measures that will be rolled out this fall:

In a move to combat the NFL and college football’s undisputed stranglehold on sports TV ratings, the Tour will be allowing select LIV golfers back to compete in fall events. However, the officials will be randomly handing out 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties to LIV players for any mention of the cash they earned without any consequence. Or if the official just, you know, feels like throwing one. In lieu of blowing whistles, the official will stop play by blasting PXG commercials through speakers. If given a penalty, the down shot must be repeated from 15 yards farther away. Try breaking this course record, Bryson. There is now an expanded group of Creator Classic events taking place on the Wednesday prior to Tour events. The YouTube golfer who wins will be entered into the tournament. If he or she beats any Tour professionals in the field, those players must resign their membership and start a YouTube golf channel, immediately becoming more popular and establishing a more reliable business. In addition to reporting pace of play data for all Tour players, there will be severe repercussions for the 20 slowest golfers on the list. All of them will only receive half of their Wyndham Rewards() hotel points they accumulate on the road. The bottom five players will not, under any circumstances, be allowed to choose between the meat lovers quiche and the veggie quiche at the hotel’s buffet. Only one option will be allowed. “And we won’t waver on this,” Monahan said. “Have you ever had to apologize for being a Wyndham Rewards() member? Didn’t think so.” And finally, all Tour players who finish outside of the top 200 in the FedEx Cup standings will be mandated—but also given a magnanimous discount price of $475—to become paying volunteers so they can operate the shot clock for their former peers. At press time, Matt Kuchar was working on a scheme to hire someone to take his place while still making them pay the full entry fee.

Editor’s Note: This story is not real. April Fools’! You probably already knew that by now but we had to add a disclaimer for some of you, like anyone who publicly defends the HiBore driver that is clearly shaped like a Dorito.

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