Years ago, when I played a bunch of the Pinehurst courses with friends, we invented a new stat: TTGBF.

“Touched The Green But F***ed.”

This was to account for all the seemingly good shots where the ball landed on the green but bounced, rolled, trickled or wiggled off the domed, sloping putting surface into horrific spots from where saving par was a dream. We have plenty of advanced stats in the Strokes Gained era but for the 124th United States Open, on devilish Pinehurst No. 2, TTGBF might be the most telling metric.

The tone for a carnage-filled first round was set early. By the time the first four groups had completed one hole, they had collectively recorded a triple-bogey and three doubles. Matteo Manassero and Rico Hoey were in the first group off the par-5 10th hole. Each had a greenside bunker shot dance on the putting surface before seeping off the back edge into a deep gulley. TTGBF. It took them a combined 15 strokes to complete the hole.

No wonder the USGA immediately began syringing the greens. Days earlier, defending champion Wyndham Clark had deemed them “borderline.” But the hits kept coming even with the greens being softened a tiny bit. Consider the plight of Collin Morikawa on the par-3 ninth hole. He arrived in third place at 1-under but then knocked his tee shot into a bunker left of the green. He played what appeared to be an excellent shot that landed a dozen paces short of the flag with plenty of spin.

The large crowd began to voice its approval … and then quieted as the ball rolled past the hole. A low murmur of concern could be heard as the ball just kept going and that turned into a buzz as Morikawa’s wayward rock picked up speed and raced away from the hole. Finally, agonizingly, it exited the putting surface and trundled down a hill. TTGBF.

A couple of sadistic laughs rang out in the crowd. Morikawa had started this misadventure 55 feet from the target and now was 77 feet away. He took three to get down from there for a brutal double-bogey that ejected him from the leaderboard. A Twitter user named Brian Mull offered this dagger: “There’s a simple joy in waking up and watching the best in the world make some of the same mistakes I’ve made at No. 2.”

Pinehurst is chess as much as golf, requiring players to always be thinking about the next shot or the shot after that. During his Wednesday practice round, Phil Mickelson hit chip after chip from in front of the fourth green, testing a couple of precise landing areas. “I can two-putt from there but not from there,” he said.

The two targets were about four feet apart.

On the par-3 sixth hole during the first round, Cam Smith came up a little short with his tee shot, landing it on the green but not far enough beyond a wicked false front. His ball sucked off the putting surface as if into a black hole and rolled back down the fairway with frightening velocity, curling into a position where he would now have to play around a gaping bunker. TTGBF.

Smith has one of the best short games in the world and, on the ensuing pitch, he played what he called “a really good shot … or so I thought.” His ball caught the wrong side of the ridge and made a hard left turn, rolling into the sand. How does it feel to have a golf ball behave so impudently? “It’s not fun,” Smith said with a tight smile. “You have to take it on the chin and get on with it. It’s tough because in that moment you’re frustrated and running pretty hot. But you have to get back into your routine, almost care less and hit the next shot. Bogeys are okay. You can’t make it worse and take a double.”

A nifty bunker shot helped Smith escape with a bogey. (A little while later, Ludwig Åberg did almost the exact same thing as Smith, though his ball expired just short of the sand, leading to a bogey that knocked him out of a tie for the lead.)

How much do double-bogeys hurt? Just ask Morikawa, who is chasing the third leg of the career Grand Slam. On the 15th hole, the flag was in the middle of the green. One of the best iron players in golf, Morikawa landed his shot well short of the hole but later confided, “I missed my number by three yards.” The ball skittered off the putting surface, down a hill and hard against a clump of wire grass. TTGBF.

Maureen Madill, on U.S. Open radio, gave a classic call of what happened next, whispering, “Morikawa did what everyone over there in that grandstand would’ve done: He’s just duffed it in front of his nose.” Then he was too timid with his third shot while wielding a putter and the ball rolled back to his feet, leading to another dispiriting double.

Tiger Woods had called it on the eve of the tournament, saying, “I foresee watching some of the guys play ping-pong back and forth.” Morikawa made five birdies but could only scratch out a round of even-par 70.

The beauty of Pinehurst is that, in a game that has been fundamentally altered by power, it still demands precision. What looks like a bad break is usually a slightly misplayed shot, carrying just a smidge short or too far or with a little too much draw or a hair too much fade. The margins will become even more narrow as the USGA dehydrates the course and No. 2 gets firmer and more fiery.

“If you’re off by just a little bit, you’re going to look like a fool,” said Viktor Hovland.

That’s the whole point of our national Open, which is designed to push players to the breaking point. No one knows this better than a guy who has won it three times.

“This golf course is going to test every aspect of your game,” says Woods. “Especially mentally.” In other words, whoever lifts the trophy on Sunday evening will have been slightly less f**ked than everyone else.

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