In a surprise announcement Monday morning, the USGA announced that golf ball manufacturers’ 2025 models have all secretly been the new “rolled-back” golf ball.
The shocking revelation was made by USGA VP of Golf Ball Guidelines Isaac Mark Andrew Killjoy IV at a hastily called press conference at the Chit Chat Diner in West Orange, N.J. Killjoy told the assembled press corps that the new ball has, unbeknownst to golfers, been on store shelves since early January.
“We wanted to show golfers they were crying about nothing,” Killjoy told reporters in between bites of his Nutella and bacon pancakes, a Chit Chat Diner specialty. “You’ve been using the rolled-back ball for three months and everybody thought their lack of distance meant they needed a new driver.”
Killjoy said the stealth rollout was the work of a new USGA task force called Fairness Under New Standards, Uniform Controls, Knowledge and Regulations (FUNSUCKR).
“FUNSUCKR has really lived up to its name,” Killjoy laughed as he continued carb-loading with a plate of carrot cake waffles. “Thanks to this group’s work, we have preserved the honor, integrity and soul of the game by going behind every golfer’s back.”








